The Other Drummer

Faithful reader Heidi writes in and asks:

Dear Dave,

Heidi

Thanks for writing in Heidi! I’d be happy to give you a quick overview of how caucuses work.

How the democrats get their caucus on
They congregate in school gyms, churches and barns. Each candidate has a corner of the building and the supporters of each candidate stand in their respective corner. If their candidate gets more than 15% of the constituents in their corner, they proceed to the next round.

If you stood in the corner of a loser who doesn’t get 15% (see photo above, left) your candidate is out and you get the chance to make your vote count by joining one of the winners.

So, really, you get to vote for two people: the person you secretly wanted in the White House but knew didn’t have a chance, and then for the candidate who you knew would win so you can appease your conscious and still have bragging rights after the fact.

Sounds like something democrats would come up with.

Right after you leave the loser corner you can be lobbied again by representatives of the remaining candidates to come join the cool kids. But before they’ll let you join, they may require you to undergo various hazing rituals, identify the calls of sixteen tropical birds, answer Jeopardy!-style questions or take the Physical Challenge.

This happens in each precinct. The total tally is kept hush-hush and only the percentage of delegates won by each candidate is released. So it all comes down to how many delegates each precinct has, not the popular vote.

How the Republicans roll
The Republicans put their vote on a ballot. The ballots are counted and the candidate with the most votes wins.

I hope that answered your question Heidi! For more details (and less sarcasm) see the original CNN article here.

Photo courtesty of here.

I’m guessing that based on the above photo you assumed my resolutions included getting chiseled abs, rippling biceps and perky pectorals.

Well, you’d be wrong. I had this statue of myself commissioned last year.

Here are some of my resolutions for 2008. The rest weren’t fit for publishing.

• Stop offering kids candy from my car.
• Write more posts this year than last (at least 248).
• Continue with my other site, LivSimpl, at a rate of about three posts per week.
• Fill a large Moleskine journal.
• Stop trying to hit cats I see in the road (my wife’s idea, not mine).
• Get 100% home teaching (and report it by the third Sunday).
• Really put some effort into getting my modeling career off the ground.
• Work out at least three times per week (maintaining this physique ain’t easy).
• Go to bed and get up early.
• Go to the temple at least 12 times.
• Learn how to drive a car on two wheels. Preferably not my own.
• Be consistently reading a book.
• Vote in some kind of election. Maybe the presidential one. I’m still not sure.
• Stop urinating in the hot tub (when other people are in it).

Now you know what my next year will, and won’t, consist of. Any other suggestions? How about your resolutions? Leave word in the comments.

P.S. I also resolve to use the word “jaunty” more in casual conversation.

The only stipulation is that it has to be considered a real job. For example, my ideal job would be to get paid $10 each time I kiss my wife. However, that’s not a real job.

Which is a shame because I’d be filthy rich.

My ideal job would be to get paid to blog/write – mainly about tech news and products. Sort of as a quasi-journalist/columnist.

What would you do? Leave word in the comments.

Picture courtesy of this fishy site.

It would appear that 65% of citizens of the world wanted me to shave my head. I had my doubts. But then people took to the streets (see above photo, taken in the streets of the Holy Land). You may not be able to read that sign in the background, but it says, “Dave shave! Dave shave!”

I have heard you my loyal followers. I have heard, and I have acted.

My head is shaved/buzzed/whatever. Pics coming soon.

Thanks to my peaceful followers for the picture.

I didn’t know Pilgrims even had bikinis. Shows how much I know.

I’m guessing some light-hearted pilgrim probably laid this turkey out on the table but not for the First Thanksgiving – that would have been tacky. Definitely for the second though.

So he’s just placed the bird on the table and he has some stupid grin on his face that basically says, “Get it? Get it? It looks like the turkey went tanning with a bikini on? Get it? Funny, huh?” and he’s looking around, waiting for the laughter to erupt but everyone just sits there looking at him like, “Frigtard. You just screwed up Thanksgiving. Again.” (The previous year, this same individual thought it would be funny to welcome his Native bretheren with the first ever “arrow through the head” gag.)

Speaking of shooting people with arrows, I wonder how the Natives would have reacted. Maybe on the Third Thanksgiving they would have taken it a step further by only putting a bikini bottom on the bird, thus effectively presenting a topless turkey to the conservative pilgrims (by this time the original prankster would have long since been ostracized for something involving his mother’s wedding dress, the mayor’s best horse and an ear of corn. See picture right. Minus the dress and horse).

Anyhoo, I’d be willing to bet the Pilgrims were pretty ticked off because they thought they’d put an end to all this immoral turkey business with the ostracising and now the Natives thought this new culture the white man* brought was freakin’ hilarious and how every Thanksgiving from that time forth (until they got fed up and stuck the Natives on reservations) would involve scantily-clad turkeys.

Great. So the early, violent history of our country was all because some wise-@$% pilgrim decided to bake a bikini on the second-ever Thanksgiving turkey.

If you want to have an authentic, Second Thanksgiving Turkey, you can prevent it from cooking in strategic places by putting aluminum foil on said places. If anyone would care to experiment with their bird today, e-mail me a pic so we can share with all the other kiddies.

Happy Thanksgiving.

*I use the term “white man” loosely. Who’s to say there weren’t some mult-racial pilgrims coming from Puritan England during the 1700′s? It’s best to equally represent all people in this day and age. Happy Kwanzaa.

Bikini turkey courtesy of here.
Arrow through the head courtesy of here.
Pilgrim picture courtesy of here.