Those of you who know me (and I’d like to think that most of the world does by now) know that I have…issues…with the French.

And some Canadians (but not former ones – I’m lookin’ at you Gary).

I almost punched a Frenchie in the UN once. Seriously. My wife knew it, too. She had her hand on my leg and was whispering, “It’s OK. Let it go, just let it go.”

If it weren’t for that and the fact that I was convinced there was a sniper watching me (I was in the UN after all), that panty-wearing Frenchman would have been taking advantage of America’s superior orthodontic care before being shipped back to his poor excuse for a country while waving a white flag.

And so I present a number of quotes about the French. All of which I heartily agree with. Which is your favorite? Mine is the Ted Nugent one. Leave word in the comments.

“France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.”
–Mark Twain

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“I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.”
–General George S. Patton

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“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.”
–Norman Schwartzkopf

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“We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.”
–Marge Simpson

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“As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure.”
–Jacques Chirac, President of France

“As far as France is concerned, you’re right.”
–Rush Limbaugh

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“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.”
–Regis Philbin

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“You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940′s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it.”
– John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

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“The last time the French asked for ‘more proof’ it came marching into Paris under a German flag.”
–David Letterman

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“Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.”
–Ted Nugent
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“War without France would be like…like, World War II.”
–Jay Leno

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“The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says ‘First Iraq, then France.’”
–Tom Brokaw

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“What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of it national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?”
–Dennis Miller

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“It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.”
–Jon Stewart

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“They’ve taken their own precautions against al-Qaida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.”
–Argus Hamilton

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“Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day…the description was, ‘Never shot…only dropped once.’”
–Rep. Roy Blunt, Missouri

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“The French will only agree to go to war when we’ve proven we’ve found truffles in Iraq.”
–Dennis Miller

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“Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It’s not known…it’s never been tried!”
–Robin Williams

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“Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that’s because it was raining.”
–Jerry Seinfeld

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The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.”

The only two higher threat levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate.”

The rise in the last week’s alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively disabling their entire military.
– Jay Leno

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French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris, March 5, 2006

“The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.”
– Imus In the Morning (MSNBC)