We need an online Quote Board because, dang it, we say some funny stuff.

“It’s gross whenever you see a grown man drinking out of a baby bottle.” – Amy

David: “Heidi, ever since you got married you’ve had a filthy mind.”
Heidi: “That’s not true. I’ve always had a filthy mind. I just didn’t know why.”

“It doesn’t chafe my nipples. It lifts and separates.” – Doug

“Ooo! Bring me back a cookie! They’re cheaper if you buy more.” – Amy

“Jesus was a fisherman. What do you think it smelled like when he taught?” – Doug

My wife asks me, in front of her parents and brother while we’re playing cards, “What’s that game we like to play? Dominatrix?”

Me impersonating Doug’s response to the recall notice on Brad’s car:
“Something about a fire under the hood, blah, blah, blah, final notice, yadda, yadda, yadda.”

Doug: “Do you know what a rhetorical question is?”
Me: “Did you want me to answer that?”

“I know I may not look it, but I have a dreidel.” – Alysia’s friend.

“Do you know how much money we could make if we were Italian and in the mob?” – Brad

“Why does it make our husbands uncomfortable when we flirt?” – RaeLynn

“Can we clone you and kill the others?” – Gary

“I can’t relate. I’d never do anything that stupid.” – Teri

“Careful Jake – you’re still soft on top.” – David

“If I were a dinosaur I’d eat that tree.” – Heidi

“Next time I get a prostate exam I’m going to a taller doctor.” – Doug

“Three in a row? Dang. Looks like someone else needs to start talking.” – Amy

“I’d be really good at yoga if I didn’t have any arms or legs.” – Amy

“That was a brilliant use of profanity!” – Amy

“Thanks to you and your amazing sperm.” – Amy

Heidi: I think my arms are getting fat.
Amy: You know, I think I’d be OK if I didn’t have any girls.

“It’s a good thing she’s wearing pants.” – Becky

“If I was really, really tall I’d find a really, really tall girl to breed with.” – Brad

Amy – “Apparently I’m not as smart as I think I am.
Me – “That’s OK. I couldn’t figure out how to set up my Far Side calendar.”

RaeLynn – “What if you go metro in the next couple of years?”
Scott – “I can’t because I’m fat.”

“If you want to be in my will, you’d better put me on your quote board you little punk.” – My Father In-Law

“Dear, the ceiling fan is the best parent in the world.” – David

“I don’t get it. How can people not believe in global warming? It’s so hot!” – Melinda

“Dear, we need a little person to make cookies.” – Amy

“Can I just say that high heels can really be annoying?” – Ryan

“Seriously. I poke myself in the eye on a daily basis.” – Melinda

“Nobody can make you laugh but yourself.” – Heidi

“Hopefully that’s why my check engine light has been on for so long.” – Curtis

“No one likes a leper.” – Amy

Oma (our friend’s grandma), laughing: “I like monkeys.”

Matt: Do you know where, “Wax on, wax off” comes from?
Whittney: Seinfeld?

“You’re never too old to go to space camp dude.” – Dave, “Stranger Than Fiction”

“I raise mini-cattle under my bed.” – Amy, sort of

“Sometimes I think I interact with the TV more than I’m supposed to.” – Amy

“Wait. There aren’t 71 states.” – Hunter

“Did that bird miss a connecting flight South or what?” – Amy

“You can be wise and happy or stupid and miserable. The choice is yours.” – President Hinckley, Dec. 31, 2006

“I can’t imagine what it would be like to have your government overthrown…is there anything good on TV tonight?” – Amy

“If you were a super model, I wouldn’t love you less, just in a different way than I do now.” – Jeremy O.

“I don’t hang out with you anymore and look how cool I am!” – Rob

“David, you need to grow your monkeys.” – Whittney

“I’m a genius too! Wait. I think I just spit a bran flake.” – Amy

“Need I remind you it powered a time machine?” – Amy

“Dear, how come we never get to watch Desperate Housewives when the kids are around?” – Doug

“I’m so hot, I’ll never have to pay for anything ever! Look at me spin! Look at me twirl! ” – Ryan, referencing the Jazz cheerleaders

“Well, obviously my underwear is unravelling.” – Doug

“I hate getting out of the car. It’s like going to the bathroom.” – Amy

Heidi: “Grandma, are you a racist?”
Grandma: “No. I’m a bigot.”

“Tastes just like real french toast!” – David

“I’m writing ‘eat me’ on pork” – Amy

“Girls rule! We have homemaking skills AND physical endurance skills” – Heidi

“He may be shallow, but he dates hot chicks” – David about Brad

“Dang! No wonder people like having money.” – Amy

“Dad, I don’t think you’ve made the peacock noises since we left Colorado” – Amy

“Is she going to wear a hair net, or am I going to have to worry about that all night?” – Doug

“The conduit for all knowledge in the universe is located in our apartment. Specifically, the shower.” – Rob

“Adam had it easy. Eve HAD to love him!” – Josh

“If the social life of the world would be best benefited by my hooking up with an ugly girl, then I’m sorry – it’s not happening.” – Ryan

“Woo-hoo! I have dents in my head!” – Neil

“Hello, is this whore removal?” – Dave

“My brain is numb. There’s been cheese on it all night.” – Ryan

“I used to be a body builder…” – Dave

“Hey! Don’t make fun of the dumb kid.” – Alysia

“I’ve been told my hair feels like rabbit fur.” – Neil

“I hate not eating out. ‘Cause, well, first of all it sucks…” – Ryan

Dave: “What’s a lime-o?”
Rob: “That would be ‘limo’ Dave.”

“Ya know, some people just look better from far away.” – Definitely Ryan

“Women don’t want a knight, they want the whole dang Round Table!” – Rob

Eden: “You know, in Russian, ‘Rob’ means ‘slave’”.
Ryan: “Well, in English ‘Rob’ means ‘to steal’”.

“Sometimes I almost feel guilty for BS-ing my homework. Then I think, ‘Wait, no I don’t.’” -Dave

“Is she the tall girl with the loud mouth?” – Ryan

“You’re a very positive person, but I think you’re an idiot.” – Rob

“Nothing hurts more than seeing two beautiful girls going into a bridal store.” – Dave

Dave: “I always buy biscuits, but never make them.”
Rob: “Then don’t get any.”
Dave: “But I might this time.”
Rob: “The triumph of hope over experience.”

“You’re not hopeless Dave, all you need is a good woman.” – Rob

“If there were no girls, we’d never be tempted. It’d be like scout camp.” – Josh

“Well, that’s a bridge under troubled waters. Wait…” – Rob

“Hyrum’s wife died, and HE got married like a week later.” – Ryan

“I’m just the ultimate compliment.” – Ryan

Dave: “With hair like this, it’s amazing that I don’t have a girlfriend.”
Josh: “Maybe it’s your personality.”